This week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I've noticed that the more I sleep, the less I suffer, unless of course I'm having the excessive amount of nightmares that come all too often.
We went away for a quick 36 hour trip, I wanted to stay away for a week. I always want to be "away".
Away from reality, away from everyday, away from the depression, away from bountiful amounts of children playing in the beautiful summer weather. Away from it all, away from my life, just away...........
So my hubby has been having a lot of anxiety and reflux lately. He says it's stress related from being around me. I am in a constant state of angst. He's right! The agony I feel is boundless and I live with it and feel it each and every day.
In the past few months, when I would just let it all out and cry the big storms of tears, hubby would say he just couldn't take it anymore. So I made it a habit after that to try and hold in the anguish and only unload while either in my car, I could be alone screaming and crying, or be in the car on the phone with a dear understanding friend. Lots of times on the treadmill on the phone with the same, or out of the house in person, torturing another venting source.
I have been really appreciative of the compassion these true friends have endlessly offered me. It has been of extreme help most times.
The truth however is, if I try to hide and internalize the pain and torment, it consumes me and I become a ferocious wreck bursting with angst and fury. So hubby shared on our trip home some new information. All of his friends have noticed the negative energy/angst irradiating off of me. So he then suggested on the way home from our quick little trip, that I should never hold it in anymore. I have to cry and get it out, YOU THINK?
And so I did, over most of the 3 hour ride home. It became harder to see and my eyes were very swolen for two days. It was apparant that I successfully let it all out. And it did feel good to do so. Then that night, still upset over coming home so quickly when I needed to have a few days of escape, I popped another pill and had a few more drinks, and cried again for hours with 2 different friends on the phone. I sure as shit let it all out.
Fast forward to last night. My friends 40th birthday. She has two children. They were being babysat for the night. So a few of her closest friends got together, and they got a room. We went for mexican, and drinks back at the hotel bar, and celebrated. I dragged myself out regardless of my depression, because this was indeed an important milestone birthday for her. Two of her friends that stayed with her overnight were considerably older, in their 50s and 60. The other friend a couple of years younger than me. I knew there was absolutely no possible way I would be staying over night with the women since the overwhelming sense of depression could hit at any time, especially at bedtime.
I mentioned that I might get my own room. The younger friend had to go back home last night as she was dog sitting and was kind enough to offer to drive up w/me and back with me. She's not a big drinker, and this way I wouldn't be trapped. Perfect! She even offered me my own bedroom back at the house where she was staying. This was a welcome offer. I would not have to drive the rest of the way home until morning. (She was staying in-between my house and the hotel which was at least 45 miles away.)
This wonderful lady is also part of the unfortunate club, involuntarily childless, and she knew my story. On the rides up and back, we spoke the whole time venting about our situations, and it was quite therapeutic. It is so hard to find anyone that can remotely understand any part of this kind of life, or non-existance.
During dinner, the older friends and the birthday girl had about a 15 minute conversation about shows they went to with their kids, talked about the kids, blah, blah, blah. While the other friend and I had nothing to contribute, she excused herself and went to the bathroom. I had just gone a few minutes before so I was trapped to stare into space and pray for the conversation to end. It's so wonderful to feel like an outsider/outcast when these conversations go on and on and on. It's like I'm invisible, and this is how I do feel in life, invisible, empty, and useless.
When the other friend came back and I told her that sitting through their conversation was unbearable, she said to try not to let it bother me. She copes with these situations much better than I do, but then again, was too terrified to ever try infertility treatments and go through the torment she knows I went through. She says she could never live through it. She just never got pregnant and is trying to learn to live with it.
After dinner we hung out at the hotel bar/club for a couple of hours, I sat on a stool for 90% of the night, no desire to dance, just really wanted to get out of there, but held out to try and be a good friend and celebrate her special night. Infertile friend's brother showed up to join us. Nice guy going through a divorce. Of course he has 2 boys, 13 and 15, and asked me "you have boys or girls?"
The night would never be complete without someone asking me the most painful question I encounter during just about every single day/night out of my life if I choose to leave the house and socialize.
I answered, "Unfortunately I have none, and he changed the subject. What a relief, but the knife in the gut still gutted me, as it always will.
I used to be the life of the party, the fun-crazy happy one, that person I used to be. I don't know her anymore, and neither does anyone else. It seems she's gone forever :( I guess she slowly died with the infertile hell, and finally was buried permanently after the miscarraige of the triplets.
So much for a night out, but good to get away from home base, at least for a few hours.
Time to go on the treadmill to try and release some of the anguish/anxiety.