Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I've stayed away from my own reality for a while and having checked my blog, I found some responses and decided it was time to post again

First I want to thank each and every one of you for commenting on my previous posts.  Unfortunately I have not yet figured out how to reply, even when I'm signed in.

Rosie, I wish you the best of luck, I know you just posted to me a few days ago.  It's strange that I just happened to check in at this time after so many months.

I think it's been about 9 months since my last post, (irony) and I have some new life in my home but they meow.  I'm very happy to have them, enjoy their love and devotion.

One of our first beautiful boys is very sick, his heart is getting worse and the inevitable was explained to me that I will be lucky to have him for a few more months.  He just joined me at the computer, he is so connected to me, it is surreal.  He sleeps with me every night.  I just came home from a weekend runaway, still up to my running away, and my husband said kitty kept him awake for the 2 nights that I was gone meowing/screaming running around looking for me.  Being a furr mommy is a blessing but unfortunately, it promises definite heartbreak with the life expectancy of these incredibly loving creatures.  This guy is only 10 years old, had him since he was 7 months, lost his brother to his heart disease in 2009. 

Life is full of pain and loss, each one seems to wake up the trauma of my journey through hell (Infertility) which I have never been able to escape, and don't feel too confidant that there is any way I will ever get over the fight, struggle, suffering, loss, suffering, etc.  I am forever haunted.

Been to many doctors over the last few months, declining health, diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in addition to my upper extremity nerve damage, hip bursitis, and lower back degeneration.  This in addition to my Interstitial Cystitis (torturously painful condition) has really kept me busy, and the clincher is, Fibromyalgia just exacerbates all of the other illnesses.

Irony again:  Fibromyalgia is an illness that shoots out pain from the brain into the nerve and muscles and makes every ache and pain magnified by 100 according to my Rheumatologist who knows my infertile hell history.  She is sure that I suffer from PTSD,  from the years of infertility treatments, and finally the pregnancy, and then, THE DAY THAT CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER, when my body killed my beautiful babies.

So, a lot has happened since my last post, and yes, I'm feeling very sorry for myself.  I have a very dear friend who has 2 children that I am thrilled to share my life with.  Only trouble is she says she thinks I like being miserable.  She says she has her own losses, being alone raising two young children.  She thinks she will be alone forever.  This sucks too!  Only difference is she's beautiful and younger, and chances are she will find a great guy she truly deserves, she just has to! 

But I, will never have a child, be a mother, a member of that very incredible club of "Normal" human beings that talk about their kids.  It's a club that I will NEVER belong to, and it hurts like hell.

Why was I dealt this life that sometimes I don't feel like I want to be here anymore.  Sometimes it just feels like a waste of time and breath.

Almost 3 years have gone by since I lost the babies, 7 years since I started fighting the infertility ride of horror, never knowing I never had a chance to win.  Every one always says, stay optimistic, pray to god, it will happen, but no one ever hears the story about the woman who actually never succeeded. 

I wonder, should I write a book about Infertile Hell and how there are a choice few who never get the happy ending?  I would really like some feedback on this.

I have a husband, and a mother.  I have some great friends and wonderful pussycats.  I am very lucky, but, I WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE, NEVER  BE A MEMBER OF THE CLUB, AND ALWAYS BE TORTURED BY THAT DAMN COMMERICAL ON TV THAT SAYS:
Surprise, you're having triplets.
Or the commercial from sleepy's furniture that starts off with the happy pregnant woman lying on bed with her hubby,
or be tortured by the headlines of every news show, magazine, newspaper,
BLAH BLAH is pregnant!  It's all over the place and there is no safe place to hide!

No one, not even my family cares or bothers to see how I am, they just go on with their happy little lives.  No one wants to deal with the miserable one that can't just suck it up and move on.
Am I unrealistic to say that sometimes, YOU JUST DON'T GET OVER IT, SOMETIMES THERE IS NO HAPPY ENDING?

I got myself a mother's day present this year, as I do every year, but this time it wasn't only a present that I bought myself since I was a mother for almost a full trimester.  This time I also got a tattoo of three tiny hearts on my foot, at 47 years old.  Those precious heartbeats I was able to see and hear back in November 2010.  I can see them on my feet now, and they will be with me forever. 
Even though, they will never be remembered by any one else in the world, they will always be in my heart.  I am so sad.

Please if anyone wants to get in touch you can go to Facebook, just look for Infertile Hell or email me at infertilehell@hotmail.com.

I only hope that no woman who walks in my shoes feels alone.  It is a very sad and isolated place.  As long as I am here, Reach out!

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