So here I am, next week is Thanksgiving, 2 years since my pregnancy, and the best month of my life.
I am a year older. Since my last post, I lost one of my beloved cats at 7 years old, who died from, (irony at it's best), auto-immune hemalimic anemia, did I mispell it? I'm sure most people don't know what it means. It means that my poor Sebastian's immune system killed him by eating up all of his red blood cells. The only children I have are felines, and another one was taken from me.
We tried desparately to save him, 8 blood transfusions, and $14,000 later, he died after a 3 week fight.
My baby cat's immune system killed him, just as my immune system killed my 3 babies!
Boy, life sure has a twisted sense of, I don't even know what to call it, TORTURE!!!!
I am a year older, although I feel many years older. I have a very painful condition called Interstitial Cystitis. Here's another kicker, I'm certain it was caused by multiple pelvic trauma from the 11 IVF cycles I did.
What do I have to show for it? Interstitial Cystitis. Anyone who is interested in this horribly painful condition, feel free to look it up. It's too much to explain.
So next week is Thanksgiving and I am running away from home again, without my husband, dragging my mother to try and escape the demons that haunt me by distraction.
Next month I will spend the anniversary of my babies death on the beach in Florida on the day they have the Pearl Harbor Memorial Service, the same day as I found out my babies were dead.
I plan on attending and watching the memorial every year in honor of my beloved ones.
Not much more to share. I have not progressed much in the past year. I have just aged and feel twice as old as I am. My heart still aches constantly for the loss of my babies, my dreams, and my future.
I live my life each day, with no real plans for the future. I just try to distract myself from myself, if that makes any sense.
So a year later, not much to report. No happy story. Not much healing. Just trying to survive and accept what I've been dealt.
I haven't wanted to post anymore because it just brings back the bitterness, but the truth is, the bitterness is tucked deep inside screaming to come out.