Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A year has gone by since my last post, not much has changed

So here I am, next week is Thanksgiving, 2 years since my pregnancy, and the best month of my life.
I am a year older.  Since my last post, I lost one of my beloved cats at 7 years old, who died from, (irony at it's best), auto-immune hemalimic anemia, did I mispell it?  I'm sure most people don't know what it means.  It means that my poor Sebastian's immune system killed him by eating up all of his red blood cells.  The only children I have are felines, and another one was taken from me.
We tried desparately to save him, 8 blood transfusions, and $14,000 later, he died after a 3 week fight.
My baby cat's immune system killed him, just as my immune system killed my 3 babies!

Boy, life sure has a twisted sense of, I don't even know what to call it, TORTURE!!!!

I am a year older, although I feel many years older.  I have a very painful condition called Interstitial Cystitis.  Here's another kicker, I'm certain it was caused by multiple pelvic trauma from the 11 IVF cycles I did. 

What do I have to show for it?  Interstitial Cystitis.  Anyone who is interested in this horribly painful condition, feel free to look it up.  It's too much to explain. 

So next week is Thanksgiving and I am running away from home again, without my husband, dragging my mother to try and escape the demons that haunt me by distraction.

Next month I will spend the anniversary of my babies death on the beach in Florida on the day they have the Pearl Harbor Memorial Service, the same day as I found out my babies were dead.
I plan on attending and watching the memorial every year in honor of my beloved ones.

Not much more to share.  I have not progressed much in the past year.  I have just aged and feel twice as old as I am.  My heart still aches constantly for the loss of my babies, my dreams, and my future.

I live my life each day, with no real plans for the future.  I just try to distract myself from myself, if that makes any sense.

So a year later, not much to report.  No happy story.  Not much healing.  Just trying to survive and accept what I've been dealt.

I haven't wanted to post anymore because it just brings back the bitterness, but the truth is, the bitterness is tucked deep inside screaming to come out.


  1. Oh my. I do understand and agree 100 percent. People are horrible, insensitive and those lucky to have babies flaunt them like trophies. I have just had a missed miscarriage after 2 nd icsi cycle and I stopped talking to anyone. The medical staff told me in a matter of fact way the baby was dead. It was like they said I had cancer. My husband was there and he broke in tears. I was numb with suffering and spent the night thinking how to kill myself. Then on a massive dose of antidepressant I am barely able to pull myself together. We are selling our land we bough for a gone to fund more cycles. I have not lost hope yet but I want you to know that nobody who has not been through hell of infertility will ever know. There is just no way of knowing. I hope you have found some joy in your life. For me it is still the struggle. God bless you, if you believe. I don't.

  2. There is nothing wrong being bitter. Of course you are bitter and have every right to be! I hate how ignorant lucky childed people judge us. I hate how stupid and blind they are. They are just biologically lucky, that's all! I wish every smug stupid mother to experience what we did to know the truth.