It's been a while..........................

I haven't posted here in a while.  Part of me wants to forget about the whole thing, but unfortunately, every day life is a constant reminder and does not allow for healing unless one decides to become a hermit/recluse.

I made it through the holidays of 2011.  I was so busy planning to get the hell out of here and getting ready for our big trip right before New Years. DH decided to work on XMAS eve, so I grabbed mom and took a drive to Atlantic city for a 24 hour escape. 

Before dinner, we got our hair done at the salon, and to my surprise the girl who does my hair was pregnant, hadn't noticed in the past, but couldn't help but notice this time.  And so that was the first of my holiday presents, another knife to the heart.  And she was opening up gifts from customers, BABY CLOTHES, HOW NICE!!!!!

We had a wonderful dinner at The Palm.  I drank and I gambled.  I didn't win.  No surprise there.  Eat, drink, gamble, be merry, right.  It was good to get away.  The crowd was unusual at the hotel, not very crowded thankfully, but of course there were still families around, need I say more?

Drove back home on Xmas day, and saw DH for a few hours.  I shopped while I was away so that DH had presents to give me when I got back.  Makes it easier for him, and keeps me distracted.  The only problem with shopping for clothes is that I've never lost the baby/depression weight, and on the road that I'm on of eating/drinking, I probably never will.

Oh well, what's an extra 20lbs anyway?  It's not like it will slow me down chasing after my imaginary toddler or anything like that, right?  So I'm overweight, who cares?  The truth is when you are depressed, it just makes it all worse, yet you can't find the motivation to control it.

I'm very cranky today as I write this post, I just got my period they now come every 5 weeks, that's the newest development in my life.  Since stopping fertility treatments, my periods went from every 3 weeks for a couple of months, to every 5 weeks.
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So this I guess is peri-menopause, another ugly reminder, that my life will be forever empty and that I am aging.  Kicker is I can't even find a gynocologist that only does gyn.  They all do OB.  I refuse to ever have to sit in an office with smiling pregnant woman all over the place to wait for an unpleasant appointment.  Another hurdle to try and get past.

I spent the entire month of January in Florida, and I have to admit that most of it was good.  We hardly fought, we both were sick, but we were away, and it was warm, and I was happier, at least while I was there.  Then we came home, and I am not as happy.  I hate the winter, even though this one is mild.  I just don't want to be here anymore.  I know I can't run away from reality, but it kind of feels like I leave a part of my old miserable life behind when I'm away, and feel more peaceful when I'm away from where the 3 years of hell have taken place.  Here, at home, which never really feels like home anymore.  Does any of this make sense?  All I know is I wanted to stay there, but I had to come back home.

I missed my mom and my kitties.  It's nice to see friends too.

So 2 months have gone by since my last post.  These days I'm bitter and miserable.  Not only do I miss my babies, and the few weeks that I was pregnant, that I will always grieve, but now I have to come to terms with the fact that I will be FOREVER CHILDLESS.  GAME OVER!

I am angry, hopeless, helpless, miserable, depressed, in pain both emotionally and physically, and this is home.  This is my life.  As a woman, I feel defective, abnormal, and broken.  Well I am, aren't I?

The doctors appointments never end, but now it is for other medical conditions unrelated to infertile hell.

A year has gone by since my last post, not much has changed

So here I am, next week is Thanksgiving, 2 years since my pregnancy, and the best month of my life.
I am a year older.  Since my last post, I lost one of my beloved cats at 7 years old, who died from, (irony at it's best), auto-immune hemalimic anemia, did I mispell it?  I'm sure most people don't know what it means.  It means that my poor Sebastian's immune system killed him by eating up all of his red blood cells.  The only children I have are felines, and another one was taken from me.
We tried desparately to save him, 8 blood transfusions, and $14,000 later, he died after a 3 week fight.
My baby cat's immune system killed him, just as my immune system killed my 3 babies!

Boy, life sure has a twisted sense of, I don't even know what to call it, TORTURE!!!!

I am a year older, although I feel many years older.  I have a very painful condition called Interstitial Cystitis.  Here's another kicker, I'm certain it was caused by multiple pelvic trauma from the 11 IVF cycles I did. 

What do I have to show for it?  Interstitial Cystitis.  Anyone who is interested in this horribly painful condition, feel free to look it up.  It's too much to explain. 

So next week is Thanksgiving and I am running away from home again, without my husband, dragging my mother to try and escape the demons that haunt me by distraction.

Next month I will spend the anniversary of my babies death on the beach in Florida on the day they have the Pearl Harbor Memorial Service, the same day as I found out my babies were dead.
I plan on attending and watching the memorial every year in honor of my beloved ones.

Not much more to share.  I have not progressed much in the past year.  I have just aged and feel twice as old as I am.  My heart still aches constantly for the loss of my babies, my dreams, and my future.

I live my life each day, with no real plans for the future.  I just try to distract myself from myself, if that makes any sense.

So a year later, not much to report.  No happy story.  Not much healing.  Just trying to survive and accept what I've been dealt.

I haven't wanted to post anymore because it just brings back the bitterness, but the truth is, the bitterness is tucked deep inside screaming to come out.